As aaron lewis would say, Its been awhile

Lets just say i've been hibernating. the last few days i've just been wanting to sleep and be home cuddled up watching svu and i've done just that. some cleaning too, since i'm home. it feels good to relax in a clean space.

i don't know guys. the world today is just wild, and i know its always been, but its extra hard to stay inspired and active everyday while it all seems to be going to shit. honestly we all just need to get off social media and go out side and run around in nature. i think we are all extremely nature deficient and its affecting everything. i mean absolutely everything and everybody. 

when i run 5 miles a day, i find myself in a completely different mindset. i'm ready for anything and can handle the world. but when my body needs a day off it usually becomes a week off and i find the cycle begins. were so caught up in a me me me world, i want this i need that, gimme gimme! i'm over here like, i need to get off caffeine, i need more water, sugar makes my digestive tract stop functioning, i want more health, and man am i alone in this venture. i know i could find a cross fit community that would take me in for a few hundred a month, but i don't want to be spending more to be more healthy! i can do it on my own, and dammit i've always been the type to do just that. lets be healthy without a huge dent in our wallets. its possible and doable.

if you want it bad enough you will try anything to get there. 

i've been thinking about that statement a lot... i use it on most of my ambitious mindsets... do i want it bad enough? am i doing everything i can to get there? everyday i contemplate. everyday i'm deciding. do i want this la life bad enough? do i want the success bad enough? what do i actually want?!

i'm having one of those days. they happen a few times a month - or every other month when i'm lucky - i start to contemplate if my whole life is wrong and i'm going after the wrong thing. i start to fantasize about being some sort of monk who renounces this worldly life and goes in search of the spiritual gold. on these types of days its hard to do anything, so i relax into my cocoon and i just sit. sit with this feeling. something an amazing teacher in high school taught me while i was battling bulimia. sit. sit with the uncomfortable. there is so much to learn there. so much to learn about yourself and your fears. its practice. everyday practice. but somedays its a whole lot easier to be who i am most of the time... 

so i'm just gunna sit. i'm gunna sit right here.